I’m sure I’ve quoted that here before . . . those words used to adorn my cover photo on Facebook. I am a feeler in every sense of the word. Emotions are my best friends and my worst enemies and right now I am chalk full of all the feels.
Want to know my least favorite question right now?
“How are you doing with the upcoming move?”
I get asked that question about twelve times a week and it takes every fiber of my being not to roll my eyes and walk away from the conversation. It’s not about the asker, they’re genuinely curious, and concerned. No, it’s about the answer.
You guys know me, you know I have all the words and all the feels and I’m not going to answer with a pat “great!” and walk away. Nope. If you ask me the question, you’re going to get the honest answer, and that answer is exhausting.
Even now, trying to write about it, I’m using my ‘sigh language’ as my friend Jessie calls it. I’m doing a lot of sighing at my inner monologue these days.
The answer: Sigh.
The true answer is so complicated and intricate that I honestly didn’t know how to answer until just a few weeks ago. I would tell people, “It’s so far away, I’m not really thinking about it yet.” But that was January and February and now it is almost the end of March, how the heck did that happen so fast? And we actually have to start packing pretty soon, not to mention looking for a house in DFW.
This is bringing on the tears, and then the shake-your-head-in-disbelief-laughter because who in the world ever thought I would be emotional about moving away from Austin?
Certainly not me. As I processed it with my best friend the other day, she said, “If I had told you two years ago that you’d be feeling this way about leaving Austin and going back to DFW, you would have laughed at me.” She’s right.
I have been through my own personal hell and come out of it standing stronger and more sure of my Jesus than ever. I have travelled the hard road of being a victim (at my own hand) to being a victor here in ATX, and all of those hardships mean something to me. All of those struggles are my personal stones of remembrance in the garden of my heart.
I have not actually fallen in love with the city of Austin, but I have fallen in love with people here, and those people have not been in my life long enough for me to be ready to leave them behind. I’ve questioned the Lord’s timing in all of this a lot.
I continue to go back to His promises, to rehearse the words He has given me about this new transition, and while I know there are gifts and blessings ahead for us, I’m torn between two places and I’ve honestly never felt this way before. I’ve only ever wanted to return or stay put, but mostly the former. This hurts in a new way.
In time, I’m sure I will see it as a blessing, to have heart friends in so many places, to love and be loved all over the place, but right now it is as if my heart is stretched thin across many, many miles. How can it hold all of these feelings without tearing apart?
“It is both a blessing and a curse to love people so deeply.” — Julie Presley
Sometimes I am full of feelings and the beauty of this space is that we’ve made it okay to be real here. Thank you for letting me have space to be extra vulnerable today.