The last day of school before summer vacation is supposed to be full of excitement and anticipation. The kids should be bouncing in their seats watching a movie while the teacher pulls posters off the walls and mom’s should be joyfully turning off their pre-set alarm clocks and buying watermelons and beach towels.
I’m sure many of them are or were. But today my boys have had a heaviness on their hearts, and ten minutes away and at home, I had the same weight on my own. I’ve been in tears all day, my oldest has been in tears all day, and all of us cried on the way home.
When we moved from Fort Worth, we left the day that Christmas break started. The boys were dismissed from their classes and we drove straight from school into the hardest season of our family’s existence. Our transition into the new school was hard and Rocky and I both felt very uncomfortable there. Salem missed his friends and felt like he was the odd one out in spite of the fact that he is always one of the popular kids wherever he goes; the kid is dynamic and has a smile that’s to die for. Josiah showed his anxiety in other more noticeable ways and on top of all that, stuff at home was just plain hard, I was trying to climb out of my own dark place and Rocky was just trying to keep all of us sane. We came out of the 13/14 school year with our wounds stitched and treated, but the scars remained.
This school year has been remarkably different and now we see that on the whole, our trepidation about school was a huge mixture of all the feels of moving and everything else that was going on. The teachers both years were great, but we were more prepared to welcome them into our lives this year; we weren’t on the defensive this time around. When I walked out of our parent teacher interviews in October my heart felt paralyzed at the thought of pulling them out of school mid-year to move to a different suburb, as we had originally planned when it came time to buy a house. It was the Lord, there is no doubt. Our hearts were much to fragile for that, and He knew it. He worked out all the details and provided a home where our kids could finish out the year at their current school. But. But we still would have to change school districts come the fall.
So that’s why I drove two very tearful little boys home from their last day of school ever, again. That’s why I sobbed all the way home from class parties yesterday after my youngest’s teacher confided that he was her favorite. That’s why I have been in tears all day, and so have they. For the second time in two school years, we are leaving behind friends and teachers we have grown to love and admire and stepping into the unknowns of a new school. These are the moments that make me wonder why I dreamed about being a mom. These are the moments that rip my heart to shreds, and folks, we’ve just had a few too many of these moments lately.
They want to know why. They have wanted to know why ever since we left Fort Worth, and these are the moments when I have to reach deep into the Word of God and speak as much truth as I can muster even though sometimes I’m still asking the same question they are.
Because God has a plan and a purpose, and it’s for our good, not for our harm.
But then there’s tears and tears don’t feel so good.
I don’t know. But I know God told me yesterday on my drive home that He had gone ahead of us to the new school, that He was preparing a place for them there and that it would be ready come August.
So these are the moments that I have to commit to my heart to remember, for there will come a day when I can say to them, “Because this.” And in that moment, in their little brains, God’s faithfulness and His presence will become something tangible that they can see and point to. They will be able to praise Him by telling others what He has done. I guess that right now that is my ‘because.’
In the meantime, we will focus on having the best summer ever, again, and when I find my little loves hunkered down and crying in their closets, I will, again, hunker down and cry with them.