It’s been so long since I logged into my blog, I actually had to log in to it. Sigh.
I wish I could tell you that I’m handling everything like a pro, and totally living up to everything I’ve ever written here, having mastered all of my trials with grace and eloquence. The truth is that I have been manifesting some Sally Field type sob fests — you know, she has that really ugly cry face for about ten seconds and then she stops and composes herself angrily? Yeah. That’s me, although minus the anger, most of the time.
I’ve been living under a rock called Expectations and I simply haven’t been able to pull myself out from under it. I have been looking at supposed ways that I should be responding to all that’s going on in my life and I have been acting exactly the opposite of those expectations. I have been negative while expecting myself to rise above, I have tried endlessly to control the situation while feeling like I should be letting go and trusting the Lord. I have been weak and broken when I knew I should be strong and put together.
I chose this after all. I walked into our bedroom and told my husband, “I want to go to Austin.” I said those words because I knew that it was what the Father wanted. I was not prepared for the impact saying those words would have on my heart, or on my life. It has been one storm cloud after another, and now, here we are less than ten days til we close on our house here in Fort Worth and hand over the keys. I don’t even know how I’m still getting out of bed at this point. It has been such a brutal journey, such a stressful, sad time.
I am thankful that I have access to people who are farther along on the journey than I am, and can hear not just my heart behind the words I say, but also know who I am in the Father and can call that out when I’m acting out against that character. I was called to the mat last night. “Stress is never from the Lord, Julie.”
Isn’t it amazing how quickly we forget some of the basics of our faith? Dang it. I know the Lord doesn’t want me to be stressed. I know He wants me to experience joy in this season, no matter what is going on. Why do I let stuff pile up on top of me like it has been? It’s all going to work out how He planned it to, so why do I feel like I have to have my hands in everything? I feel like I’m probably just repeating myself here, but if I still haven’t mastered these concepts, then surely someone else hasn’t either, right?
My biggest concerns have been the fact that we are going to rent for a year and then hopefully buy a house and we want both of those things to happen in the same neighborhood so that our kids don’t have to move schools again next year. In order for that to happen successfully, we also need to find the best school for our kids, one that we will want them to be at long term. So basically, we’re trying to make decisions about right now based on what may or may not happen next year, as well as a bunch of numbers from a website that rates schools.
I’m sure you see the problem right away, as I would if this were being written by someone else. But it’s me and I’ve been standing way too close to the situation to even begin to see the bigger plan. I have my face smooshed up against the window, trying to see how everything is going to work itself out, when the Father wants me to just step back and watch it unfold in its own time.
Take a deep breath, Julie, and a step or two back. That feels better, now doesn’t it?
The urge to step forward and smoosh up against the window again is overwhelming. I have to know how it’s all going to work. I want to hand pick the best school, based on those numbers I mentioned.
All you see is numbers. But I see the heart.
That was probably the biggest revelation for me. If we were currently moving into Fort Worth, and basing our move on the numbers of the schools on that website, we wouldn’t pick the neighborhood we live in, or the school the kids go to. It’s not a 10. It’s a 7. But the heart of those teachers is pure gold, and one of the hardest things for me about this move has been leaving that school. We have found a family there, and we love it. But it’s a 7. I had to submit my mind to the truth that only God sees the heart. I have to trust that He knows exactly where we need to be, and that if we have to move to a new school next year, He will see us through that too.
So now, after nearly three months of stressing about finding the best school and neighborhood for our kids, I am slowly, finger by finger, letting go and trusting the only One I know is capable of making the best decision for our family. We have our last house hunting trip scheduled this weekend. We are believing that we will come home with an address to forward our mail to etc. because we just don’t have time to keep looking. We are trusting that Jesus has the keys to the exact right house for us for the next year.
My creativity has been eaten up by all of that stress and frustration, so I’m not making any promises about a Christmas short this year. I did write something last month, but it’s far too long to put out there into the web-verse without properly editing and perfecting it, and I just don’t have time to do that right now. I have another angle I’m working on, but because of time and everything on my plate right now, I can’t guarantee that I’ll have it ready to post any time soon. We shall see. It might be my Christmas miracle 🙂
We would certainly appreciate your prayers this weekend as we look for houses. We don’t want to waste any time, we just want the house.