There have been some dark and dry days in the past week. Connecting with the Father has been difficult, there has been a lot of distractions and I’ve given up pretty easily on my ‘mommy time.’ I’ve felt a little alone, I guess you could say.
I am struggling with some really severe back pain that makes it difficult to do anything. I’m also having more tooth issues that have to be resolved, so I’ve spent a lot of time resting on the couch, feeling pretty useless.
My husband wants me to go to the doctor and get on a routine for my back, but I shut that down pretty quickly because this is a preexisting condition and insurance won’t cover any of the treatment that I need. It’s a much better idea to just be in pain and good for nothing that involves any kind of physical movement until the bulging disc goes back into hibernation. Doesn’t that sound like a better plan to you? eye roll
It took a conversation with my pastor, Robin, for me to realize that in pushing back against going to the doctor because the budget doesn’t allow for months of uninsured back treatment, I was in fact not submitting to my husband, and in so doing, not trusting the authority that I gave him in my life when I married him, as well as not trusting the Father to provide. I was acting in disobedience, and therefore, cutting myself off from receiving blessing and healing. And I was just planning on having a nice conversation about all the healing I’d already walked through . . .
We know that there are some spiritual elements to my pain, and that was what the emotional healing a few weeks ago was about. Lots of unforgiveness, condemnation and judgements that I had to walk through, and I did, very thoroughly. So then why am I still in pain?
Robin suggested that there was still more that the Father wanted to do, and that when we receive healing, it’s not just about the healing, but about getting to know The Healer. So I asked the Lord, “What is it? What else is there between us that needs to be dealt with?”
He showed me an image of a clearing in a beautiful forest. He was on one side of the clearing, I on the other and in the middle of us was a pillar-like boulder about waist high. It appeared to have been chiseled on the corners by hand because the corners, though crude, were well shaped and obviously man-made.
“What is it?” I asked. “How do I get rid of it? It’s too heavy to move, but it’s blocking my path to you.”
It took a couple of days before He revealed to me what the boulder was made of: lack of trust.
But wait — didn’t I just boast about how much trust I had in Him during our months of need? Didn’t He totally and completely blow our minds with His provision? How can I still doubt Him? It goes back to what I wrote about in this post about not trusting the paycheck, but trusting the Lord. I am still looking at His provision and seeing lack. I am still seeing insurmountable challenges instead of seeing Him leading me around them, or even away from them. I am taking on the stress of trying to protect my children from outside influences, judging myself and receiving judgement for not responding and parenting the way other people around me do. I am feeling sorry for myself when things don’t turn out the way I want them to for me, and for my kids. I am looking at certain relationships in my life and finding them insufficient and not believing that the Lord will bring about the kinds of relationships that I desire to build. I’m looking around at my life and once again asking, “Why in the world am I where I am?”
I am actively not trusting the Father. I’ve gotten better (but far from perfect) about trusting Him with our physical needs, but not with my emotional needs. Not with my kids needs. I am actively not submitting to my husband because I don’t trust the Father’s presence in him.
My heart broke this morning as that boulder in front of me took the shape of all of my worries and frustrations and needs. How can I continue to keep expecting Him to fail when He never has? Sometimes I’m so ashamed of my humanity.
In the midst of my brokenness, He poured out His unfailing love and said very simply, “Just don’t worry. Just don’t.”
Why is it so hard? It’s so hard. To give up control of my kids and trust Him implicitly, and to know that even though I parent differently than others, my kids will be okay, and that He is watching over them, and that they are sensitive to Him because of our example. To believe that He has us where we are, physically, spiritually, emotionally and geographically for a reason, even when I can’t see what the reason is. To trust that He is going to protect the friendships that are life-giving to me, and to protect me from the ones that aren’t.
It’s so hard.
But I have to learn to do it. I have to get rid of that boulder somehow. I have to have a clear path to the Father because I don’t want anything in between us anymore. I want to be able to run quickly, unhindered, into His arms, and to rejoice in the garden that He has prepared for us to enjoy together. I’ve got to learn to trust Him.
My heart is very tender this morning, I think I’ll be in tears most of the days as we walk together, trying to get my faith built up to where it needs to be.
I would love to hear about ways the Father has been faithful to you. Will you share with me?