In the season I am in right now, diving in and out of memories and allowing myself to revisit some of the major events of my youth, I have experienced some massive swings on the pendulum of emotion. Over the past few weeks I have spent hours searching for and chatting with old friends, laughing, sometimes with tears over how ridiculous we were, and smiling over the amazing times we had. There have also been a lot of moments of introspection and processing through things as I have allowed myself to be frank, while welcoming the perspective of whoever I was talking to at the time.
There have been a lot of regrets, and a lot of things I would change. Ultimately, I wouldn’t want to end up anywhere else, with anyone else or anyone else’s life. I have spent so much time thanking the Lord for knowing what I really needed verses what I thought I wanted. My life is beautiful, my husband is the best man on the planet for me, and my children are the greatest little beings in all the world.
But I wounded and was wounded a lot growing up. I made decisions that affected me in ways that have stayed with me over the years, and I have regretted a lot of those things, and spent time seeking the Father as to how He and I should process through those things.
Today as I was driving and reflecting on some things that He and I dealt with this morning, I was listening to a song by “All Sons and Daughters” who have become one of my new favorite worship duos. The song was “The Longing” (I tried to find a video to embed but I haven’t succeeded yet.) and my heart was really resonating with the lyrics:
Love is and always was
The longing place inside my heart
to know you and be known by you
The Father nudged my thoughts back to the past and everything I’ve processed over the last few weeks and He reminded me gently of two very important things.
1. My desire from childhood has always been to know Him more, and to seek His best for me. This is evident in almost every single journal entry I’ve read. I acknowledged weaknesses regularly and begged for help, and at the end of most of my ridiculous requests were the initials “IIYW,” which stood for “If It’s Your Will.”
2. Everything I experienced in my youth, all of my scars and mistakes contributed to who I am today, and even though there are things I would change, and I have had to go through a lot of healing, my past is tragically precious to me. I have learned so much, and because of all that I’ve been through, I have a beautifully intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father, which circles us back to #1.
Everything happens for a reason.
I think this realization helps me to understand why I am able to look back and not lose myself in the old scar tissue. I am thankful for the fact that in my life, the Father’s promise in Romans 8:28 has been true every single day. His plan for good in my life can not be argued. He is so faithful.
When you look back on your life, where have you seen the Father’s hand guiding you?