Hello, old friend.
I’ve been neglecting this blog, I think for necessity. Walking through the fire, or just hanging out in it like we have been doing, is extremely taxing on my creative juices. I don’t know when I will get back to writing regularly, but suffice it to say, I haven’t given it up completely.
I’ve never been big on resolutions, but this year I felt like I needed to focus my priorities. I’m so used to trying to do everything on my list (and feeling guilty about failing), and now that is not only physically impossible, but emotionally impossible as well. 2017 beat us to a pulp, chewed us up, spat us out, and then stomped all over us a few more times. The tragedy was endless. I don’t have a lot left to give, so I decided that I would prioritize the most important part of my life: Me.
I know that sounds a little self-absorbed, but my physical, emotional, spiritual, and social health have taken the hugest beating. I am the unhealthiest I’ve ever been, and in this state I can not be a good wife, a good mother, or a good friend, and my relationship with God has been hurting and worsening for almost exactly one year.
While I haven’t prayed and asked if this priority is in line with what God wants for me this year, I can’t imagine that He would be opposed to it. It means laying some things down for a time. It means giving up the guilt of not writing, or blogging. But it also means that I will be getting stronger, healthier, spending more focused time with Him, and seeking out relationships that build me up and feed my health, in every sense of the word.
My unofficial verse and focus for the year is Luke 2:52:
“And Jesus grew in wisdom, stature, and favor with God and man”
I want to grow like Jesus grew. I want to thrive, not just survive. 2017 was all about simply surviving.
I didn’t plan to ask for a word for this year. My word for last year was “possible” and I still don’t like it. I liked it when my mom got her speech back, and was able to walk again. I liked it when I was given the opportunity and didn’t flake on speaking at a women’s retreat at the beginning of May. But it ends there for me. Yes, I can see where it was applicable in my recovery, and even in the fact that I breathe today (though still with pain). But there are more questions than answers when I look at May-December, and I barely remember May at all, so I’m not even positive what all my questions are, and there is still some bitterness that I’m dealing with.
This morning I was writing in my prayer journal for the first time this year, asking the Lord for a fresh start between us, but then I thought, well no, I don’t want to start over, I want. . . I struggled for the right word, and then it hit me:
I want a revival.
Not like a Holy-Ghost-Hop kind of revival, but a breath of fresh air. My relationship with the Lord needs to be revived. We have been on life-support for far too long. I stared at the word for only a second before I realized that even though I didn’t want a word for 2018, God wanted me to have one, and in giving it me, I knew that my priorities for this year were correct.
I’m posting the following picture because it serves as a reminder to me, not only where I have come from, but where God and I need to move forward from. I don’t want to shock you, and the whole story is still like cards I’m holding close to my chest, but this is something that was medically necessary for me, though not in and of itself a life-saving maneuver. I had to have chest tubes put in in, which was to save my life, and after that they put me on a vent to give my lungs a break. This is my most traumatic memory from the whole ordeal, and something I’ve had to sit with for a long time before I could share it with you. Now it’s appropriate to share, because from this moment on, my healing officially began. I was revived in this moment. All of those tubes did end up saving my life, even though it was excruciating and traumatic.
My word for 2018 is “Revive.”
My focus is going to be on reviving myself in wisdom, stature, and favor with God and man. I’m sure writing will fit in there at some point, and I trust that because the stories are still keeping me up at night, there will come a day when I can invest more of myself in my craft again, but right now, I’m investing in myself. My family deserves it, and I deserve it.
For now, Happy New Year, dear readers. Thank you for all of your love and support.