December was hard, y’all. The biggest challenge was stepping into a new season of solo-parenting for half the month (single mom’s, you will have special rewards in Heaven, I just know it). I also had a minor surgery that took a lot out of me, add to that all the normal Christmas stresses and expectations, and I was just running on empty all month long.
Without fail, when we are the most vulnerable, the enemy attacks. I spent December hanging out with some old lies that continue to haunt me, and I watched the evidence pile up to prove that those words were true.
“I’m not enough. I don’t measure up. I’m not ready. I’m not wise enough or strong enough or vivacious enough . . .” The list goes on.
I’ve spent the last few months actively pursuing the call that the Lord gave me earlier this fall. Actively pursuing. Not actively fulfilling. What was that call?
What did I do? Mostly some platform building, some education, some hard, exhausting work that offered little pay off. All of these things are good and necessary to be successful at what the Lord called me to do. But what I didn’t do was the one thing He told me to do.
Instead of writing, I did all the extra things that should make me a successful writer, and I saw very little success. I was shown a little box that could close over top of me, the word WRITER stamped on it and I struggled to fit myself into it.
If there’s anything that’s true about me, it’s that I’m not an in-the-box kind of person. “I love Jesus but I drink a little,” and all that.
I looked at the evidence around me and let it tell me that I was all of the things I feared about myself. Inadequate, unqualified, and lacking. I threw the message of Measuring Up out the door, grabbed on to the prickly pillow called, “I’m not good enough,” and cuddled with it for a little too long.
For the first time ever, inspired by some dear friends, I decided to seek the Lord about a word for 2016. Actually that’s not true. I didn’t really seek it at all. I just thought about seeking it and then without another moment passing, the word was there, in my head, on the TV, all around me.
My word doesn’t make a lot of sense to me when I look at the words other people get. Words like rest, peace, seek, focus, etc., they’re action words, and mine is not. What do I do with a word that asks nothing of me? My word confused me and, honestly, scared me. My word is a promise, not an action word. There are no classes that I can take, no blogs that I can read, there is nothing that I can do to fulfill this word’s purpose in my life in 2016. All I can do is hang on for the ride.
My word is beyond.
Can you see why it’s scary? Why I’m nervous? Because if it’s true that I don’t measure up, that I’m not enough, then what in the world can God do that is beyond?
I let the word hang out with me for a few days before I pressed into it. It hung like a banner over the lies that I’ve been considering this month, which unsettled me completely. These two things, promises and lies, do not belong in the same space together.
This morning I decided to wrap up the year properly and deal with what’s been going on in my heart. I sat down with my Bible and my journal and began to let my heart bleed out onto the paper. The more I confessed, the closer to the truth I ended up.
I am enough because Christ is in me, and He is everything.
Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who by his power working in us is able to do far beyond anything we can ask or imagine. . .
It is only because of this perfect truth that I can let go and watch Him take me beyond all I could ever hope or imagine.
I’m starting to think that maybe in some seasons, the Lord is less concerned about what we are doing than He is about what we are allowing Him to do for us, which reminds me of this quote from one of my favorite authors:
“Maybe God doesn’t so much want things from us. Maybe God Actually wants things for us.” Sarah Bessey
Feels like a big hug, doesn’t it? So my word for this year requires little of me, and a lot of Him, but there are two things that I can do to be an active participant in letting the Lord take me beyond.
- Start agreeing with the perfect truth about who the Father says that I am (lather, rinse, repeat).
I am enough
- Do what He has called me to do.
For the love of all that is holy, WRITE.
No matter what your process is for the New Year, agreeing with truth is something we can do together, something we can keep each other accountable to. What is something the Father says is true about you that you struggle to believe? What does He want to do for you in 2016?
Father, in Jesus name, may we forsake the lies that haunt us and cling to your perfect truth in 2016, and beyond.