This is My Broken Heart
As much as I love the cold and wintertime, it was a really nice change to have the sun out this weekend in Texas. Yes, it does get cold in Texas, and it’s been really dreary here; the sun has been behind clouds for awhile, and not just physically.
Obviously the past few months have been full of emotional dreariness for me, that’s no secret. I have gone from one extreme to another and back again emotionally and spiritually. Every week holds a new revelation for me, and they’re not always fun to process through, but the Father has been faithful to be close to me, even when I was pushing Him away.
He opened my eyes to something pretty huge last week, something that I’m sure was more obvious to anyone looking in than it was to me. The bulk of my emotional journey over the past few months has been about one thing: when the Father called us out of Fort Worth, without realizing it I put up a barrier between us and sunk down against it, completely disappointed in Him.
Fort Worth had become my home, it was a place where I felt valued and where I could bring value. There was room for me there, and if you have been reading this blog long enough, you’ll know that something I have struggled with for much of my life is knowing where my place is (Check out “This is Me“). Well, Fort Worth answered that question for me and despite the normal daily struggles and all that we experienced there, my spiritual and social life thrived like never before. I had real friends, people who pursued me, and the Father and I became good friends too. We spent a lot of time together, He and I.
But then that phone call came and it was like He changed the channel on my life and guided us out of Fort Worth to where we are now. The process was brutal and yet because we had gone along with it, we had chosen to move, I didn’t feel like I could be honest with the Father about how I felt about the whole thing. I didn’t want to go kicking and screaming, so I just resigned myself to the facts. There was never any excitement or joy involved.
Enter the disappointment. I was upset because I knew moving was the right choice. I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. But why would He tease me with ‘a place’ and ask me to plant roots there when the plan was never that we would stay? Clearly He wasn’t very trustworthy anymore. I felt as though He had broken my heart when He showed us what the right choice was. A friend isn’t supposed to do that, right? Just in writing that, it hit me like a ton of bricks: My heart was broken.
Not only that, but the events that surrounded us leaving Fort Worth and the way I had planned to make the transition . . . boy oh boy were my expectations completely destroyed. I’ll spare you the details, but you know that verse that talks about how a Father wouldn’t give his son a stone when he asked for bread? I definitely felt like my Father was giving me stones instead of bread. I will never forget Dec. 20th, 2013. It was awful, and the next two weeks were awful. And then the next three weeks were awful, and everything was just plain awful. Then last week the Father showed me how I had responded to Him months prior, how I had let go of the friendship I’d had with Him because He didn’t meet my expectations, because He took away everything that I had found value in over the past two years. Because once again I was looking for my place in the world, having forgotten that my place has never changed, and has always been in Him. I’d been looking to so many other things to find out where I belonged. I forgot that my Father is the one who brings life to my veins, and that He is the one who defines me, and speaks value into my being.
It was an amazing and saddening revelation, and it is still a daily battle. I want for the things that I know will tell me who I am right now and will make me feel good right now. But it’s all temporary, and none of it will ever satisfy me. Only He will. Oh but those things are shiny and bright right now, so can’t I just play with them a little longer? No. Because what I really want can’t be found in any of the places I have been searching. My place is in Him. My value is in Him. My head knows it, and it’s screaming it at my heart all day long. I will be so thankful when my heart perks up and listens and stops trying to shove everything it can find into the hole that has been around for much longer than the past few months. For now I am still on the journey, practicing being in charge of my thoughts and emotions, reengaging in friendship with my Creator, I’m seeking out the root of why that hole seems so big, and why I have believed that He can’t fill it, and trying to allow Him to bring healing to the places where I am broken. I say trying because some days are harder than others, and there are times when my heart starts throwing tantrums and gets fed up with the process. I am so thankful for a grace-full Jesus. He knows I’m going to rise above all of this, and He knows that our friendship will heal, and I know that He is my only hope.