I have to be honest: I’ve been avoiding this blog since my last post. At 443 views the first day, the news of our upcoming move to Austin topped the charts as the most viewed post I’ve written here. After finally putting the word out there and experiencing everyone’s responses, I was so emotionally drained that I didn’t have the energy to share any more. Everything I’ve been thinking and feeling lately has been very messy and it didn’t seem beneficial to put all of that out there too.
I have these moments when I look at what we’re about to do and this insane fear grips my stomach and I think, “What are we doing?” It’s kind of like when I was turning 15 and about to get my learner’s permit. I thought for sure I would be the only person in the history of the world who just couldn’t master driving. I’m glad to say that X amount of years later, I’ve only had one at-fault accident and I’m a very good driver, despite what my husband says ;). I digress. The point is that people relocate their families to different cities, states and countries all the time. It’s going to be fine.
Except, what if it’s not?
I can write about this honestly and from the heart because I know that we made the right choice to accept the new position and start the process of moving to Austin. I don’t doubt that, I’m just nervous about it. In these moments of fear and trepidation I have to work hard to take a deep breath and remember that the Father has spoken His promises over this move, that He has promised to take care of my kids and their oh so resilient hearts, that His timing is perfect and He has all the details worked out. Even as I type this, my chest is tight and I’m having to tell these truths to myself over and over again. It’s going to be okay. In fact, it’s going to be great. *breathe in, wipe a few tears*
*Sigh* There is just so much going on in my heart and mind. I’m not sleeping well, I’m having dreams that are proving to me that I have a lot of fear to relinquish and a longer journey to take learning the art of trusting the Lord. There is a constant battle going on for my mind, I am fighting the most ridiculous of lies as the enemy throws his recycled tactics at me over and over again. I am trying to rediscover the positive person that the Father created me to be in light of the fact that I have believed the opposite about myself for quite some time. I’m sure I’ll have more to say on that subject fairly soon. If this post seems like “Debbie Downer,” it’s because that’s my current work-in-progress. I do believe that it’s okay to grieve though, and for me, part of that process is writing about it.
One thing that I’ve realized over the past few weeks is that I’ve seriously underestimated the relationships that I have made here in the last year, and how much they have added to my life. When I drive away from people that I love and think about going to a totally foreign space, there is a very real sense of grief that rises in my heart. I am disappointed in myself for believing that I could have left them so easily had our new zip code started with 8090_. Easier? Maybe, again, because we wouldn’t be going where we are not known. But it still would have been heartbreaking to leave these friends.
What helps so much in all of this is that I feel very loved by these friends around me. Encouragement, prayers, gifts, hugs etc., all work together to remind me that I will not be swallowed by this transition, and that as huge and insurmountable as it seems right now, there are good things coming for us as we walk in obedience.
The most important part is that the Father has been very close to me through all of this. He is so patient and gentle as we deal with the attitudes of my heart that go against what He is saying. His truth is that though we are stepping into the unknown, He is known to us, and He has never failed us. He has always worked for good in our lives, and His excitement over this move is tangible. I know it’s what He wants. I know He has something wonderful for us in the midst of the process as well as on the other side. I know He is good. I know that He hears our hearts and that He wants more for us than we could ever hope or imagine. I just forget sometimes. But He is here, reminding me always, and I’m so thankful that He hasn’t thrown in the towel on me yet.
What is something that the Lord required of you that you struggled to follow through on?