Over the course of my life, I’ve entertained some silly notions about life changes. For example, when I was in my early teens, I had it in my head that falling in love with my husband and getting married would solidify my relationship with the Lord, and I would no longer struggle with sin.
HA HA HA HA!
That’s hysterical. Good thing I saw the error in my thoughts before it was too late. Actually, the first couple years of marriage fell in the middle of one of the driest seasons of my life. The Father felt far, only reachable in worship, and spending time seeking Him elsewhere was a thing of the past.
I also thought that becoming a mother would be the proverbial bow on top of my gift-wrapped life. Everything would be perfect once all my dreams were in place. Again, laughable because motherhood was not what I fantasized it to be. Who signed me up for these chores? Don’t I just get to sit down, holding babies and drinking cream soda out of a plastic wine goblet shaped cup, illegally watching episodes of Felicity? (This was in fact what was going on while I dreamed about having babies… with a pillow under my shirt.) There were no meal plans involved, no laundry, definitely no dishes or ironing! Come on!
I don’t know where things disconnected in my head, because my mom did all of those things (and made me do them too . . . maybe that was it. Maybe I thought that there were little fairies that came and did everything until the kids were old enough to do the chores . . .)
The thing that is hitting me right now is the fact that I personally had not planned on going through any more major life transitions (outside of moving and job changes etc.) until the kids went off to college. It never occurred to me, even as I thought about it, that when my youngest starts kindergarten, I will be entering into a whole new time of life.
It’s terrifying me now.
I know it will be bittersweet. I have loved the years of getting to know him better while his brother is at school, he is my snuggler and will sit with me for hours if I let him. He also tends to be very needy at inopportune times, and the kid wants to eat all day long. He will ask me twice in five minutes, the same question about snacks or playing video games or fixing his hair (seriously) etc. It will be nice to have some quiet, but I will miss him.
On top of that, because I am a WAHM, I will have six hours a day every weekday to myself. What will I do with all that time? Sure, in ‘writing season’ I will knock those days out of the park and before I realize I’ve been writing for six hours, my kids will be home from school, begging for hugs and snacks. I’m also involved in the PTA at our school, so that will fill some time, but really . . . what am I going to do?
It’s unsettling right now because it will be a brand new experience. I’ve never lived that part of my life yet and I just don’t know what it will look like. Will a bunch of brand new doors open up for me? Will I weep over the empty house (maybe, but not likely. Maybe just the first few days. I’ll let you know.)? Will my house be cleaner than it is now (I bet there will be less legos downstairs, and if there isn’t, then I’ll know we have a lego elf and I will spend my time eradicating him from our home.)? What am I going to do with all of that time?
I am blessed to be able to be home for my kids. We sacrifice in order for that to be the case, and I wouldn’t change it for anything, but . . . they don’t need me as much anymore. My identity as MOM is changing and I just don’t know how I feel about it.
Seasoned parents: Offer me your wisdom! Were you as panicked as I am about this transition? Is it going to be awful? Or Awesome?