The last few days have been blissfully relaxing. Friday night I celebrated the official release of Stones of Remembrance with close friends, family and supporters. It was an incredible time of connecting and talking about how amazing God is. The next morning, however, I dipped pretty low. I think that the stress and the “I’ve-got-to-hold-it-together-until-Friday” mentality, the anticipation and excitement all came crashing down on me. The family went to the pool and I curled up in my bed listening to the Father speak truth over me while Gungor sang it.
Being the center of attention is hard for me. I’ve always been really good at being a sidekick. I’m the Robin to your Batman, Elinor Dashwood to your Marianne (which I’m sure my sister would disagree with because I was a completely love-sick teenager.), The Donkey to your Shrek (well, maybe not. I’m not THAT annoying, and Donkey really likes the spotlight, where Shrek would rather be out of it. Why am I talking about this?) . . . anyway, the point is, I’d rather cheer someone on that be in the spotlight . . . I think. So Friday night, I was slightly out of my comfort zone, but I think I handled myself pretty well. It wasn’t until Saturday morning that it hit me.
We had some of our closest friends from Dallas stay the night with their kids and planned to spend the whole day at the pool. I woke up feeling exhausted and like my patience was slipping perilously out of my grasp. That was when I said, “You guys go, I’ll be there soon.”
I am so thankful that the Father whispered the idea to me, and gave me the pit in my chest that directed me to stay behind. All it took was about twenty minutes. Twenty minutes of hearing His voice squash some of the lies the enemy had been stirring all morning, worshipping Him for the gift that He gave me. I’ve said before and I’ll say it again, while I thrive on the feedback of my loved ones, if I never published another book, it’s enough to just write them for me, because I love the story, I love the high I get while creating it and thinking about it. That’s the gift. He reminded me that it’s His gift to me, and that it’s not my identity. I am not an author by definition. I am, by definition, a Daughter first and foremost, and I can’t DO anything to change that. I can’t lose my standing with Him because I am His favorite. I can get caught up in lies, however, and I can allow those lies to distract me and ruin this beautiful gift. I felt that pressure on Saturday morning. I felt the enemy coming hard against me. But as soon as I was obedient to sit with the Father for a few minutes, all of those lies, and the attack dissipated and I really felt the peace of the Lord come over me, I felt like I was ready to start my day over and spend time with my wonderful family.
This morning I read in my devotional, “Like the spinning wheels of a car trapped in mud, the cogs of your brain spin impotently when you focus on a trivial thing. As soon as you start communicating with Me about the matter, your thoughts gain traction and you can move on to more important things.” Jesus Calling, Sept 3. Sarah Young. That made me smile because it described my Saturday morning to a T. I was questioning so many things that were really silly and trivial, but it was one thing after another and I just couldn’t make it stop . . . but then He made it stop and we met in the quiet place and everything calmed down. I got to move on to more important things, like being with friends we hardly ever see, and spending the day loving on my family.
The most important thing He spoke to me that morning was about the spotlight. It’s not my spotlight at all. It’s His. I didn’t write this book on my own. He wrote it through me. He has a purpose for it, and my plans are not His plans. The words are not mine, they’re His. I surrendered the responsibility of promoting the book, I surrendered my plans and my words and the spotlight to Him. Sure, my name is on the book, and I typed the words, but this is the Father’s story of grace, hope, healing, love, promise . . . it’s all about Him and the gifts that He has for us, because He is good. He is so good.
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