In the past, the blogs I have started have been somewhat anonymous. I didn’t share the links with people that I knew, not even family. I sought out a “safe place” (in front of the entire WWW) to share my uncensored feelings about whatever may be going on in my life or the world at any given moment. I blogged about everything from our financial woes to who was going home on American Idol that week, from life with a newborn to postpartum depression after our second child, from exciting new friendships to the ache of complete abandonment. Eventually, with both blogs I allowed people I knew to see certain posts and be a part of my online presence.
With the upcoming book release and the fact that I am putting my name out for the world to see, I figured that I should probably go back through the blogs and make sure that I hadn’t said anything stupid that could get me in trouble some day. . .
It’s not that I have skeletons in my closet, I’m pretty open about everything we’ve been through, but my process in the midst of going through those things, leaves a little to be desired. That’s what happens when you take raw feelings and put them on display to an anonymous audience. Many, many times I wondered why anyone continued to read my blog because all I did was complain. We’ve had some extremely dark days. Pitch black years even, where I wasn’t sure that God really cared about us anymore because of all that I felt he was flinging our way. I wasn’t sure we would ever recover from some of the things that we’ve experienced. I was pretty hopeless.
As I sat and read very detailed, heart wrenching accounts of every single awful thing that came our way from 2004 to about 2009, I couldn’t help but look up and see where we are now, not just in our own home, but spiritually and emotionally. Things have changed so much since those dark days. God has proved himself faithful time and time again, and through all of those scenarios that brought back intense, painful memories, I can see the good that the Father brought, just like He promises to in Romans 8:28. I can see how each of those scenarios taught me about myself, caused me to grow, and paved the way for our family to be where we are today. That isn’t to say that I’d do it over again, I don’t think you could pay me enough money to put my family back in some of the places we’ve been, but God has redeemed us. Even when it didn’t seem like it he was protecting us and orchestrating his goodness around certain events.
Some of it still hurts. I found a cryptic poem in one blog that I couldn’t figure out, and then suddenly I knew exactly what it was about and I felt the pain of that betrayal so deeply that I had to just sit and remember the healing process I went through in that situation. Scar tissue hurts sometimes. I shed tears as I read the post about putting our dog down because she had leukemia. I remember during that time saying that she was the last straw. Losing her was the last thing I could possibly handle. Boy was I wrong. Turns out I’m a lot tougher than I’d like to be, and a lot weaker as well.
I’ve taken both of the blogs out of the public spectrum. I didn’t want to delete them, because they are the only journals I have from that time in life, but they’re certainly not appropriate to have just hanging out there like dirty laundry for the world to see. Someday I will write about it all, in a more concise, less emotional form because I believe that we have a story to tell, and that that story could encourage others. That it is possible to doubt God and not lose your salvation. That it is possible to only hang on to him with one iota of hope, and still be his favorite, still be loved and still be fought for. That the theme of Stones of Remembrance has been proven in my life, time and time again: He is good, period.
Thank you, Lord for what you’ve done, and where you’ve brought us. I hold this life with open hands and trust you to be the difference, in every circumstance. I’m nothing without you.